2009/2/13 Alan Bell <alan.bell@???>:
> We are trying out a new business idea, pre-configured server appliances
> bundled with services (setup and a bit of training)
> I would like a bit of feedback on our website pages about them.
>
> http://www.theopenlearningcentre.com/liberatus.html
>
> We are going to set up a store for online purchases fairly soon, but
> initially we are targeting schools that we contacted at the BETT
> tradeshow with our opening model, a Moodle based server called the
> Liberatus Erudito.
I hate to sound picky, but you did ask ;-)
Sorry about the ordering, the comments are in the order they occurred
to me not the order they appear on the page!
+ Where you say
Each Liberatus package includes the following standard features:
* Consulting: working with you etc etc.
* Hardware: A physical device etc etc.
please ensure that in the bulleted list your styles (initial cap
letter missing on bullet 1) and your parts of speech (final bullet is
a sentence while the others are noun phrases) are consistent. It does
make a difference.
+ The first two paras each have similar minor punctuation/grammar
errors : the 'sentence' beginning "A brand new.." no verb. Then where
you say "... expert services, The Liberatus ..." you should either
drop the "The" or downcase it.
+ I kind of like the naming scheme at first sight and then am not so
sure about it ... I hope it does not alienate potential customers.
It's certainly different and will make for some interesting phone
inquiries!
+ The actual Erudito page itself is quite effective and appealing. Of
course the reader is left wondering "How much is it??" but I guess you
have to leave that as it is.
