thanks, we have changed things about a bit already. The initial email is
more like the Erudito page, friendlier and talking about the benefits of
Moodle (or whatever model we are targeting at the time), the website is
there to provide more information, then on page 2, much more
information. Thanks to your feedback we are now being less confused
about the distinction between "more" and "much more" as well as
improving our grammar :-)
Alan.
Victor Churchill wrote:
> 2009/2/13 Alan Bell <alan.bell@???>:
>
>> We are trying out a new business idea, pre-configured server appliances
>> bundled with services (setup and a bit of training)
>> I would like a bit of feedback on our website pages about them.
>>
>> http://www.theopenlearningcentre.com/liberatus.html
>>
>> We are going to set up a store for online purchases fairly soon, but
>> initially we are targeting schools that we contacted at the BETT
>> tradeshow with our opening model, a Moodle based server called the
>> Liberatus Erudito.
>>
>
> I hate to sound picky, but you did ask ;-)
> Sorry about the ordering, the comments are in the order they occurred
> to me not the order they appear on the page!
>
> + Where you say
>
> Each Liberatus package includes the following standard features:
> * Consulting: working with you etc etc.
> * Hardware: A physical device etc etc.
> please ensure that in the bulleted list your styles (initial cap
> letter missing on bullet 1) and your parts of speech (final bullet is
> a sentence while the others are noun phrases) are consistent. It does
> make a difference.
>
> + The first two paras each have similar minor punctuation/grammar
> errors : the 'sentence' beginning "A brand new.." no verb. Then where
> you say "... expert services, The Liberatus ..." you should either
> drop the "The" or downcase it.
>
> + I kind of like the naming scheme at first sight and then am not so
> sure about it ... I hope it does not alienate potential customers.
> It's certainly different and will make for some interesting phone
> inquiries!
>
> + The actual Erudito page itself is quite effective and appealing. Of
> course the reader is left wondering "How much is it??" but I guess you
> have to leave that as it is.
>
>
