Victor Churchill wrote:
> 2009/2/13 Alan Bell <alan.bell@???>:
>
>> We are trying out a new business idea, pre-configured server appliances
>> bundled with services (setup and a bit of training)
>> I would like a bit of feedback on our website pages about them.
>>
>> http://www.theopenlearningcentre.com/liberatus.html
>>
>> We are going to set up a store for online purchases fairly soon, but
>> initially we are targeting schools that we contacted at the BETT
>> tradeshow with our opening model, a Moodle based server called the
>> Liberatus Erudito.
>>
>
> I hate to sound picky, but you did ask ;-)
>
we did, picky is good!
> Sorry about the ordering, the comments are in the order they occurred
> to me not the order they appear on the page!
>
> + Where you say
>
> Each Liberatus package includes the following standard features:
> * Consulting: working with you etc etc.
> * Hardware: A physical device etc etc.
> please ensure that in the bulleted list your styles (initial cap
> letter missing on bullet 1) and your parts of speech (final bullet is
> a sentence while the others are noun phrases) are consistent. It does
> make a difference.
>
> + The first two paras each have similar minor punctuation/grammar
> errors : the 'sentence' beginning "A brand new.." no verb. Then where
> you say "... expert services, The Liberatus ..." you should either
> drop the "The" or downcase it.
>
> + I kind of like the naming scheme at first sight and then am not so
> sure about it ... I hope it does not alienate potential customers.
> It's certainly different and will make for some interesting phone
> inquiries!
>
we didn't want to include other people's trademarks in our model names
(i.e. no Liberatus Moodle) so we picked Latin words to designate the
general subject area.
> + The actual Erudito page itself is quite effective and appealing. Of
> course the reader is left wondering "How much is it??" but I guess you
> have to leave that as it is.
>
we do have that in the email we are sending out to the people we met.
£999 ex vat as it happens.
